Again and again

At this point in my life I'm pretty confident I can say that I fucking suck, I'm a mistake. Granted, I'm not a criminal, I don't hurt people (except for the occasional emo guy who gets offended by my acid humor) I don't have anyone who depends on me, I'm not too psychologically unstable or physically deformed, my family are all great people, I have meet some great people during my life, although I am not able to make friends because of my lack of ability to "connect" with others; but I still feel like a failure. I should be happy, but I'm not.

I honestly feel I just failed life, game over. I feel I run out of lives and I'm just looking at the black screen with just a big GAVE OVER message flashing repeatedly in front of me and when I try to do something by myself it's like desperately hitting all the joystick buttons at once and see if I can get the game to start all over again.

I have though of taking my own life many times but I already decided I wont do that. I love music, listening to my favorite songs makes me feel so good and every week I keep finding new music that I love. I live for that. Plus, offing myself would bring great sadness and shame to my family who see me as a great person for some reason. I guess they do feel happy that I'm not a criminal of crazy or defective. I feel sorry for them sometimes because they have all their hopes on me, waiting for the day I just get a wonderful job and start wearing a suit and get a girlfriend and have a family, and I know that day will never come. So it's kinda sad.

I already decided I will keep living until life itself decides that I have been here long enough. But, it's just too hard to keep disappointing others. When people meet me I feel they want me to say I'm successful and happy and perfect, but I never have anything good to share with them, I'm not even funny, except when I ask stupid questions and they laugh at me. I do that a lot because I don't go out much so I don't know how the world works. Sometimes I say things that offend people and I don't know why, so I have to apologize quite frequently and try to act natural through all the awkward silences.

I wish I could be productive and useful to the world.