Again and again

At this point in my life I'm pretty confident I can say that I fucking suck, I'm a mistake. Granted, I'm not a criminal, I don't hurt people (except for the occasional emo guy who gets offended by my acid humor) I don't have anyone who depends on me, I'm not too psychologically unstable or physically deformed, my family are all great people, I have meet some great people during my life, although I am not able to make friends because of my lack of ability to "connect" with others; but I still feel like a failure. I should be happy, but I'm not.

I honestly feel I just failed life, game over. I feel I run out of lives and I'm just looking at the black screen with just a big GAVE OVER message flashing repeatedly in front of me and when I try to do something by myself it's like desperately hitting all the joystick buttons at once and see if I can get the game to start all over again.

I have though of taking my own life many times but I already decided I wont do that. I love music, listening to my favorite songs makes me feel so good and every week I keep finding new music that I love. I live for that. Plus, offing myself would bring great sadness and shame to my family who see me as a great person for some reason. I guess they do feel happy that I'm not a criminal of crazy or defective. I feel sorry for them sometimes because they have all their hopes on me, waiting for the day I just get a wonderful job and start wearing a suit and get a girlfriend and have a family, and I know that day will never come. So it's kinda sad.

I already decided I will keep living until life itself decides that I have been here long enough. But, it's just too hard to keep disappointing others. When people meet me I feel they want me to say I'm successful and happy and perfect, but I never have anything good to share with them, I'm not even funny, except when I ask stupid questions and they laugh at me. I do that a lot because I don't go out much so I don't know how the world works. Sometimes I say things that offend people and I don't know why, so I have to apologize quite frequently and try to act natural through all the awkward silences.

I wish I could be productive and useful to the world.

Jobless

So yeah, once again I proved to myself that I can't sell anything even if my life depends on it.

So no job again... only option so far is going back to that shit call center.

I really don't want to go there... I'd rather die than go there...So I'm still looking for options.

So I'm unemploeyed and I have tons of free time and I should be doing all sorts of cool stuff or making music or something... but I'm not.

I'd happily trade my kingdom for the ability to focus.

Well, my life is all weird right now.

I had a stupid fight with mom cuz I'm going to work in door to door sales and she says I can do better.

....wait what? seriously mom? -I think to myself- serious-fucking-ly????

I wanted to tell her right there that maybe she should try and remember who was the dumb shit who gave her son a playstation and let him stare at that shit for hours, days, months until his eyes were permanently damaged and his perception of reality was distorted and his social skills were long gone....

Who was it, mom? who was the woman who had an intelligent kid under her care and turned him into a fucking looser instead of a winner?

Did you forget all the fucking potential I had when I was young? The talent, the passion for life? Did you forget how you fucked all that by keeping me inside the house playing that crap under the excuse that my health was weak?

And then one day, instead of guiding me you just asked me what I wanted to do with my life...

LIKE IF I COULD HAVE FUCKING KNOWN!!!

You thought a video game console was going to make me a man? You seriously thought I was going to jump straight from game addict to success???

You fucking delusional bitch, you dumb, dumb bitch.

I needed a guide, I needed someone to tell me what were my strengths and weaknesses.

I needed someone to tell me everything you didn't tell me when you were too busy making up excuses to keep me inside the house, making me fear life, making me doubt myself, making me waste my time...

I needed all that, but all you gave me was a fucking video game console...

...and now I'm going to sell stuff


I should have told her all that, but instead I just said "I don't give a shit about what you think"

And now it's all weird.

Maybe I'm bipolar...

I just can't figure out what the heck I am, or what is wrong with me. But there is something wrong, of that I'm sure.

Sometimes I feel good, better than ever, I feel a lot of good change coming my way and I start trying to take advantage of any opportunity I get. But sometimes I feel like disappearing.

I have already lost so many opportunities in life, I will never get them back. Sometimes I don't care about it, sometimes it kills me.

Sometimes I feel like writing something here, sometimes I feel I'm not worthy of saying a single word.

Maybe I am bipolar... a lame one.

Change is waiting for me

Little do I know about myself, little do I know about anything.
My knowledge is truncated by my obsessions.
I can feel something inside me, something that screams and shouts the truth, but I can't hear it. I'm drowned in dark waters, and the sound is muffled by my indifference.
Reality is ever so painful, my flaws are starting to turn into obstacles. My future is at risk of being turned into an everlasting seek for sympathy.
Huminity has never been in me, it was an illusion caused by my frantic mind. I wasn't being honest with myself.
Pride is taking over, pride is killing my chances. It chokes my will and hurts my selfsteem.
I should know better what I'm capable of.
I should know better than to blame my failure on others. They've done all they can do, all the very little they can do for someone else. It's me who has to change.
I have wasted enought time.
I have wasted too many years, too many chances. When will this end?

Pride, leave at once! You arenot welcome anymore! I'm sick and tired, sick and tired of this darkness you've drawn me into.

Selfsteem, please forgive my flaws, my weakneses, my stupidity! My regrest are haunting me everyday, I need to see the good in me to finally see the good in all things.

Courage, how can I find you and embrace you? How can I let you turn me into the man I want to be?

...am I too young to know? am I too worried about the things that doesn't matter?

I must change and take hold of my own destiny.

I must grow up and stop looking into the past for answers and realise there is no answer, for the question should have never existed at all. The answer will not solve anything.

I already know what I have to do.

....maybe I'm too frightened.

The amount of possibilities is overwhelming...


...I shall fear no more!